Dear Daft Punk-

I offer you my profound thanks for providing me with an experience I never imagined having, nor did I ever conceive of needing to have.

Shortly after hearing your song “Get Lucky”, I realized that its two primary hooks had become indelibly etched in my brain and could not be dislodged, try as I might. In spite of this, I further realized that there was absolutely nothing about the song which generated any kind of resonance or emotional connection between myself and it. This, in turn, initiated in me a profound experience of what therapists refer to as “cognitive dissonance”. To elucidate, I was confused by the fact that on one hand, I was completely attracted to what I was hearing, and yet, felt completely disassociated from it. The song could be on my mind constantly and yet, I neither cared to physically listen to it and had absolutely no desire to purchase it. Eventually, disassociation evolved into disinterest.

I had never before encountered such a profound and unique disconnect with any music in my life. The only parallel I could draw- however remote- was with the myriad of high school crushes I experienced as a teenager. These would regularly arise with a ferocious ardor and shocking immediacy from out of the sheer ether. They were almost always directed toward random girls with whom I had absolutely nothing in common and the object of my infatuation would generally become transformed into the object of my utter revulsion before the week was out.

Still, this had never happened with art and never, ever with a piece of music.

In the past, I would have found it impossible (and inconceivable) to separate the musical appeal of a song from its ability to resonate emotionally with me. In theory, this phenomena would not only render a work of art immediately disposable, it would also render it completely and immediately irrelevant, in a sense, entirely negating it.

With “Get Lucky”, you have taken this notion from abstract theory to concrete actuality. Yours is a feat I’ve only seen previously hinted at, but never, ever enacted so seamlessly, with such utter precision and perfection. I am truly impressed and humbled by this extraordinary achievement.

Put simply, you have (and most likely, without intending to) created a masterpiece- albeit in an unconventional way. With this song, you’ve built the perfect beast- a fully formed entity replete with all the right moving parts, supple limbs, oversized genitalia, an irresistible appearance, and an insatiable libido- all the external trappings which are considered so essential in order for one to be found attractive and desirable by others in this world. This song is sexy, self-assured and supremely confident regarding its ability to overtake and conquer its prey.

However, in creating your entity, you’ve left out two fundamental parts. You’ve forgotten to imbue it with a reason for existence- a sensibility, intent. You’ve also forgotten to give it a heart- feelings- emotions. It has all the attributes which make it immediately appealing and lacks the very attributes which would make it attractive over the longterm.

In a sense, it is the sonic embodiment of all contemporary popular music and our entire culture. As much as it is an advert for these things, it is also an indictment of them. This creature of yours calls to mind nothing other than the Replicants in “Blade Runner” which are superior in every way to humans, but whose existences are stunningly brief and give them no time to experience and evince substance or meaning.

Still, if popular music can be thought to represent the spirit of the times in which it is created, you should be awarded a Nobel Prize for creating such remarkable social commentary.

As a result of your miraculous phenomena, I can report that the aforementioned hooks, which had all but invaded my consciousness over the past week, have almost completely receded into the distant static of my mind. I actually have to force myself to recall them and can now only do so with some effort.

Congratulations again for this momentous achievement- the creation of contemporary popular music that is utterly infectious, and yet, has a more limited shelf life than anything I’ve ever heard. Plenty of people have written big pop songs which evaporate in 3 months- you’ve managed to create a big pop song which evaporates in a week. Perhaps, the same approach can be used in the future to decrease the half-life of radioactive material.

Thanks also, for helping me recapture some lost moments of my adolescence when mad infatuation so expediently and mercurially soured into disgust.

Dear iTunes-

Thanks from the bottom of my heart for being the best thing that ever happened to a music-centric consumer since Warner Brothers released its “Loss Leaders” series. Making it possible to actually listen to new recordings in the comfort of my own home has proven to be a welcome and money-saving boon. I remember there used to be those little listening kiosks at Virgin Records so one could preview new CDs- the iTunes Store is so much better and convenient. It’s far more fitting, too, since all the music I’m hearing is so disposable; I’m thrilled not to leave the house in order to listen to it.

Consequently, I will not need to purchase new recordings by such noteworthy artists as Black Sabbath, Queens of the Stone Age and the previously mentioned Daft Punk (to name but a few). As a result, I am saving at least $50 which I can now allocate toward such necessities as food, gasoline and cat litter.

O tempora, o mores.